Monica Nevi

Comedian

Why Angela Bassett Should Replace Amy Schumer As Barbie

If you hadn’t heard, they are making a new Barbie movie which comedian and sexy soft bodied comedian Amy Schumer was set to play the title role. I am always down for the idea to have a woman with a more relatable body type to show young women. Yeah Amy, your body isn’t brave, it’s relatable. I like Schumer a lot, even after the fame and say what you want about me personally but I liked the Leather Special more than her last HBO special and ‘Mostly Sex Stuff’ is one of my top 5 favorite comedy specials. I have watched almost all of the comedy, ever.

Regardless of how we feel about Amy Schumer she has backed out of the film for what seems to be a better role in a different movie. Now we have to find a new Barbie and I have seen some other ideas being thrown around about who that should be so I wanted to throw in my 2 Angela Bassett cents.

What Barbie Is To Me

I think this is an important question to ask yourself when you are tackling the hard hitting issue of who you think would be a better pick to portray Barbie. Did she symbolize what you wanted to be? Did you idolize the idea of an impossibly tiny waist, huge tits and blonde hair? Or were you like me and for years Barbie and Skipper had to take their camping van into the garage because they always brought way too much food that they didn’t eat and it would get all over?

For me Barbie eventually turned into only naked in the bathtub with Ken and a convertible car and they literally never wore clothes. Which I like to think is really what happened next. What I am saying is that what Barbie meant to each of us, will vary. I played with Barbie and I was more self-conscious about my body because of Cheryl Miller than Barbie.

Age

I like to take things literally and if we are talking about Barbie now, she would be at least 58, as she was ‘born’ of March 9th, 1959. Mind you she was born a 19 year old blonde girl but whatever. Angela Bassett is 58 years old right now.

Fame

Barbie is famous as fuck yo. She is the original Kardashian and she got to come in her own box to get that fame. So I feel like the real-life Barbie should be seasoned in taking fame gracefully. Angela Bassett has been in the spotlight for years, manages to have had a successful marriage since 1997 and has two kids while still working and maintaining fame. That’s an admirable fame story.

Looks

This is where we might be divided, I know the original body is unrealistic and we were going to go with Carb Barbie this time but a 58 year old women who can’t bring those guns into a school zone is a body image I want to have on my wall. As a former athlete with a Bachelors in Sports and Exercise Science and a Masters in Judging People On Instagram this is what is hot now. We are no longer chasing the tiny waist, big boobs thing. We want to be able to eat a balanced, healthy meal and be on the squat team. Angela Bassett’s body is amazing, she got the booty we are all looking for and she just walks around like her body isn’t magic, handing out boners left and right.

Also, the little white girls are going to be just fine, they see themselves enough as it is. Barbie has always been someone we convinced ourselves we should try to be like. Beautiful, home-maker, sweet lady. Well Angela Bassett seems to be all of those things and more. I wake up everyday hoping that somehow I have become Angela Bassett.

Angela Bassett Barbie Has Seen Some Shit

This is the most important part to my suggestion, I want my Barbie to have seen some shit. Personally, I have always felt that being drown in a bathtub everyday and getting terrible haircuts that never grew back just wasn’t a real enough struggle for me to relate to my Barbie. Angela Bassett Barbie has seen most of the things that shape our nation, meaning she can help you navigate through what is coming next.

She was Rosa Parks. She knows Malcom X. She mothered the Jacksons. She met some boys in the hood. She exhaled after lighting her husbands car on fire and then she got her groove back. Not to mention being an important part in a spelling bee before she was Coretta Scott King. You try making time for all that.

All I’m saying is if we are moving in this progressive direction of someone we should be looking up to, she’s the one. She is a time tested, beautiful, strong mother and wife who supports charities and has maintained an outstanding career and classy demeanor through all of it.

Alternative Answers

Maybe you disagree with me so here are some other options I have thought of that I don’t think would be as good as Angela Bassett but could be considered.

  • Charo
  • Betty White
  • Rihanna
  • Jane Seymour
  • Laverne Cox
  • Melissa McCarthy
  • Leslie Jones

Or we could just take the story in a more literal direction and see what really happened to Barbie and put Courtney Love in there.

Just something to think about.

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1 Comment

  1. Whoever steps up to replace Schumer as Barbie, we’re just hoping that Sony decides to do something a little bit different with the film.

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