As we all sit alone in our homes or offices trying to navigate the whirlwind of emotions surrounding the debate about stores (namely Target) allowing customers and employees to use the bathroom that they identify with, I give you these thoughts. This has really stirred up a lot of rage, mostly from conservatives, who are concerned about people using the policy as an excuse to prey on the opposite sex. A concern none of us had until they brought it up. I am one to sit pretty far to the left and so I was impressed with the decision to include people’s identities in their short pee-pee times while shopping. I frequently shop at Target, it allows me to buy passable clothing at a lower price while also getting snacks and gardening supplies in ONE PLACE. I try my hardest to understand both sides of an argument although yelling and holding up bibles are my two least favorite ways to express opinions. There is always a compromise, always an understanding, always a solution. I believe I have found that solution.
I think that most people have a problem with using public restrooms, why would you want to do the most private thing possible around other people? If we can avoid it, we do. It’s gross and also the least sexy part about humans. Most relationships are built on years of hiding bodily functions before you get too tired of it and there is a mass exodus of flagellation that brings with it any fucks one might have given. So I think the solution to all this drama really does lie within ourselves, within our holes. How many times have you waited for someone to dry their hands before you pushed one last time? How much water has been wasted with extra flushes? Bathroom silence is the loudest sound. One of my favorite professors in college went before me in the school restroom during our class break and she let out a bowl toot that changed my relationship with authority forever.
Here is my proposal: all public restrooms should be neutral gender and full door, single stalls. There are a plethora of ways to do this. Swimming pool family style restroom, with a big door and room that can be handi-accessible. More than one would be desired for line control. Another option would be porta-potty lines, although gross anyone can use it and there is a vortex that sucks any shame you would feel out as you enter. There are different variations of these ideas that I think could work but my favorite is actually a reality. In a cafe in San Francisco, which is where most of my dreams live, there is one restroom area with a communal hand washing place and then a hallway of fitting room style stalls with full doors and walls. The small rooms line the hallway down either way from the washing area, keeping in sounds and allowing everyone privacy without regard to identity or anything. A cat you taught to open doors can use one of these if you they so wish.
I know this may have simplified some reasons for anger and stifled some excitement to hate people in a fit of boredom. Fear not! This only allows people privacy to do their business while you simultaneously mind your own. You are free to internalize the hatred you will not be face to face with in the comfort of your own home. Also, you can rest comfortably knowing your emergency shopping poop will not be heard. I think we can all get behind private poops. Nevi for President 2020.
If you are still questioning if this is a valid solution or not: