Monica Nevi

Comedian

Singles Awareness Day? We’re Aware…

All the single people, all the single people… stop worrying about us.

Dear Couples,

Don’t worry about your single friends on Valentine’s Day. There are a few things that could be going on and none of them will be fixed by you telling them they’ll be ok, be happy one day or that they can be the third on your date. They know you are interested in the single lifestyle and how they are doing, they know. Is being single better than being in a relationship? No. Is it better than being in YOUR relationship? Quite possibly. Yes, it gets lonely, please stop asking. Here are some possible reasons this person doesn’t have a Valentine:

  1. They don’t want one: I know this is hard to believe but some people don’t want a Valentine. Some people are happy being single, maybe they want to be on their own for once, order food and be lazy without another person judging them. Buy the candy they like instead of hoping someone else will remember and not judge them. Why let a date ruin your ability to wear sweatpants. Some people enjoy their alone time and I know I get hungry whether another person is there or not.
  2. They don’t believe in it: I know plenty of couples that don’t celebrate Valentine’s Day because they don’t play into the idea you should be told when to treat your partner special, you can do that whenever you want. Or they don’t celebrate because they hate each other and they don’t want to break that streak. So it’s not so crazy that a single person wouldn’t feel pressure to partake in a ‘holiday’ that is based around buying stuff you don’t need.
  3. They are picky: This is a hard one for a lot of coupled people to understand but some single people have high standards. Maybe your friend is patiently waiting for the person that makes them want to celebrate Valentine’s Day to come into their life and they are well aware that person is not your boyfriend’s friend from work.

There could be plenty of other reasons that your friend you have deemed lonely does not want to participate in Valentine’s Day. Whatever their reason, I can guarantee you are not making it better by ‘trying to help.’

Dear Singles,

Don’t worry about your coupled friends. This is what I have recently come to understand about being single around couples. As the genius I am, last week I invited 6 couples to my own birthday party where I was alone, so I believe I am a seasoned extra wheel. This is what I have figured out, other people’s relationships have nothing to do with us!

What?

Yeah.

Just because you see someone else is in a relationship doesn’t mean you can’t have one too. A lot of times that makes us go “aw, I wish I was good enough for something like that.” Or whatever. When you could be thinking “oh thank goodness that exists.” I have been on this new ‘be happy for happy couples’ thing and I really like it. For a long time I looked at my parents and thought ‘these happy bitches, always having fun together, married for a long time, making my standards so high!’ But what I should have been thinking was ‘oh thank god, someone as weird as me can have that.’

It’s actually kind of fun being happy for other healthy couples. In reality, your own loneliness doesn’t get better if they don’t work out. That just affirms something in your head that tells you it’s not possible. So today I have been spending my time liking all their cute photos and sappy posts because I do actually want that to exist. You do too, even if it’s not for yourself.

Don’t let your coupled friends make you feel any pressure in being single anyway, there is nothing wrong with it. There is nothing wrong with taking your time and being right. There is something so right with infinite patience and when you find that (it’s not easy) then something good will happen. Until then, have a Happy Secretly Eating a Fuck-Ton of Carbs Day!

Monica

I Have Been Doing Comedy For 7 Years

Hey.

So this is it, the seventh year of stand up is when you find your voice, when you know what you are doing. I agree with that as I seem to have found another voice in my head. So look out… I’m here to ruin that theory for everyone. I would like this year of my career to be about finding my mind, I seem to have lost.

How It Started

People ask me this question all the time, which I actually don’t mind. I have an answer for this and I can show my work:

I loved watching stand up as a youth —–> Started writing jokes for fun during my freshman and sophomore years in college —–> Couldn’t play basketball anymore ——> Watched one open mic at Laughs in Kirkland —–> The next week I do my first open mic —–> 7 years later I write this blog.

The Stories

I figure you don’t want to hear all the crap about what I am proud of and the people I enjoy working with and all the good stuff, as that is not what comedy is about. Comedy is about complaining. Well too bad, I’m going to tell you some good stuff anyway and you’re going to like it. Here are the nominees for best story in each of these categories I have arbitrarily made up:

The Best Thing That Has Happened

  • I have traveled all over the country, almost every part of it, doing comedy and getting paid to do it. For the most part I have broken even and that’s pretty good for traveling.
  • Comedy has allowed me to meet people I never would have otherwise, develop relationships I couldn’t have imagined and even hang out with Canadians.
  • Stand up has given me opportunities to branch out into other amazing forms of comedy and create my own projects, podcasts and other stupid things I am deeply proud of. Huglifepodcast.com
  • I have had the wonderful honor to work with people I have watched on TV for years and for the most part decide that they are pretty nice and hard-working people, just like the rest of us.

The Worst Thing That Has Happened

  • I once asked if two people sitting at a table were mother and son and of course they were married. Then I spent the rest of the set making excuses for why that wasn’t as offensive as it definitely was.
  • I have performed and even hung out in a number of moose, eagles and elks lodges. The drinks are very cheap but so are the inappropriate comments.
  • I have slept everywhere imaginable, from cars to couches to tile floors and deflating air mattresses. Sometimes with cute dogs or cats to cuddle with.
  • I once used someone else’s dirty towel for an entire week because that was my only option.
  • A very small cowboy decided to put his hand in between my legs at a bar thus unleashing a beast inside of me that got me carried out of said bar by security, almost started a fight and honestly quite nearly got that mini cowboy killed. I have the poorly healed part of a tattoo to prove it.

The Craziest Thing That Has Happened

  • While closing out a very fun show in the Northwest a gentleman seemed to be answering his phone in the front row and talking to someone. The third time it happened I asked to see his phone, like a teacher asking for your attention would. He quickly pulled away trying to hide his phone behind himself only to reveal it was a child’s water-maze play toy that he had been answering the whole time.
  • A woman in Deer Lodge, Montana invited us back to her house to go in her bathtub, which she had pictures of on her phone. It was a lovely tub but we did decline… mostly because she had pictures of it on her phone which eluded to this not being her first time and I like to feel special.
  • I have since vowed not to drive during the winter time but in October of this year we nearly died in the snow, in a Prius, in Southern Utah… Which seems to be the saddest of all potential obituaries.
  • I once ended up after a show at a castle next to a state capitol building with the oldest man in history. He may have haunted said castle. Then we woke up in a different larger home on the water. A part of my soul may still be walking around those places.

Overall the last 7 years have been super easy, stress-free and full of love and functional relationships.

No, they have been full of sarcasm. I have loved mostly every moment of what I do, I feel lucky everyday that I get to do comedy for a living. I am excited to continue this journey and see the changes this year brings. Year 7 is the one when you start edging toward not compromising what you want for what you CAN do just because you can. Also, I am writing this blog from an apartment I share with two grown men, one of which is loudly having sex in the room next to me… so things HAVE to change.

Feel free to let me know which of the nominees in each category YOU think get the award!

 

YOUR [SMART]Goals for 2018

Normally, when I post articles here I am sure to remind you that I don’t know what I’m talking about and these are just my ideas. However, this is much different because I have read upwards of six books since the last time I posted, so I’m much smarter now and goal setting is something I’m obsessive about.

I already have made an extensive list with detailed interim steps for my own goals this year and each morning I write a list of intentions. So, since I love it so much, I went ahead and wrote your goals for this year for you. I’m proud of you for choosing so wisely.

SMART GOALS

First, we’ll quickly discuss what SMART goals are and how I interpret them. If you look it up people will tell you that a SMART goal is one that is Specific, Measurable, Attainable or Action Oriented, Realistic or Relevant and Time-Bound. The answers will depend on which fucking adult worksheet you have looked up. This is a fine way to set goals if you have trouble thinking of things other than “my goal is to stop being a piece of shit.” For this, I have my own definition of SMART goals and since I wrote your goals for you, taking a quick glance over them might be a good idea.

S = Sexy

Your goals should be attractive. To you specifically. No one is excited to work hard for a goal they think they have to do to better themselves for other people. Everyone wants to be sexy for no reason, so think about the outcome of the outcome. “I work out everyday to maintain quality health”…. AND LOOK SEXY AS FUCK. “I budget my finances each month so I can afford special things I want” … LIKE VACATIONS ON SEXY BEACHES OR MASSAGES.

M=Manageable

Successful people know what is important to achieving their goals and how to delegate everything else. Make sure you set goals that you can focus on and stop worrying about other people’s bullshit and opinions. If you want it and you can manage focusing on it, you got it.

A=Artistic

Be creative. All the time. Just because you haven’t been calling yourself an artist up until now doesn’t mean you can’t get creative with your goals and what you spend your successes on. Get weird, it makes everything so much better.

R=Realistic

I keep this one on here to define what realistic is. You’re reality is different than mine, so whatever you see feasible and able to fit in yours, is real. Optimism and reality are not separate things, it’s your reality so make it the best you can. No matter what you choose to focus on, make it perfect and when someone says ‘oh, come on be realistic’ simply reply ‘I am, fuck you.’

T=Trust

This is the hardest one mostly because we have gotten locked in the idea we shouldn’t trust anyone and that authenticity is dead. That’s not the case. The very first person you should trust is yourself and that’s what this is about. Trust that what you choose to focus on as a goal is what you truly want for yourself. Trust that all the hard work you are doing works. Trust your heart. Trust that you deserve and will attain these goal.

Here Are Your 2018 Goals

Unconditional Gratitude

You are grateful for everything you have and are given. Every step you take this year, no matter how tiny, is worth viewing through wonderment. It is wonderful that you got a new job, it is also wonderful that someone delivers a paper to your door and wonderful that people liked your Instagram post. Every little part is amazing. This is part of being present in the moment, as you appreciate what is happening you are aware of it completely. Valuing things, people and showing appreciation is a very attractive quality.

“I list things that I am grateful for at the same time everyday in 2018”

Eliminate Comparisons

Other people are going to disagree with your choices or judge you but that is based in fear and actually has nothing to do with you. In that same vein you don’t judge other people for what they are choosing to do. It’s a waste of time and energy on both sides. Your happiness and your goals are the only thing you are concerned with and anyone who is comparing themselves to anything else is simply afraid to let themselves be happy.

“I am happy and excited about my life in 2018”

Bravery

The opposite of fear. Fear, worry and guilt are the most useless wastes of time ever. You poison yourself with stress worrying and fearing things that are never going to happen or be as bad as you think. You poison yourself feeling guilty over things you cannot change, that have already happened.

You are brave, fearless and confident. People talk about confidence being the best thing in the world, something they admire. Confident people have no concept of fear or worry. They are not threatened by the unknown because they know it is limitless, it can be as good as possibly imagined.

“I am brave and embrace the vast possibilities of the unknown in 2018”

Growth

This is how you know you are alive. Just by setting these goals and examining what you want to improve on, is growth. There isn’t really a right or wrong anything, there are just different answers. Through loss of loved ones and my work this year I have come to understand that there is no stopping growth, otherwise you are dead. Therefore, you pick the direction you want to grow in and just keep walking that way. Do whatever you want because you want to, it will always be a growing experience.

“I am constantly learning and growing from every experience I have in 2018”

Love

Love yourself. It becomes reflected in how you love other people when you can love yourself. Love yourself enough to enjoy what makes you happy. Love yourself enough to spend time with the people you want to. Love yourself enough to go out and achieve your goals. Love yourself enough to allow your top priority to be feeling good. Love yourself enough to find happiness in circumstances other people find insanity. Love yourself enough to radiate love and draw other wonderful people to you. Love yourself enough to come to Monica Nevi’s shows and allow yourself to laugh.

“I love myself and the people in my life so much that we go to Monica Nevi’s shows whenever possible in 2018”

I think those are great goals for every person, they are written in the present tense because you are already accepting that they are real right now, they are a part of how you work this year. No matter how 2017 was for you it is behind us now, you are free from whatever it did to you. 2018 is now and so are you! Remember that these are your goals and not mine so don’t expect me to be any nicer to you than I already am.

Author’s Notes: Having a positive outlook on the year does not mean there will not be difficulty and pain at some times, it simply means you can work through it easier. Feel your emotions, all of them but also know you can have everything that you want and you deserve it.

 

[Life]Vomit

I have spent 27 years consciously walking this planet, hunting and gathering information and experiences that might help me do a better job. Nothing seems to resonate with me more than the experiences I have when I throw up. Life lessons and profound moments have come to me while vomiting. I vividly remember why I shouldn’t eat chocolate cake or tequila (especially together).

Tuesday, in the middle of the night, I found myself leaned over with my hands on my knees in a park I used to play in as a child, vomiting onto the ground behind the bathroom building. Would it be cooler to tell you that I had been partying with some wild strangers on a weeknight and got a little too crazy? Probably. You know what isn’t cool? Lying.

What Happened

I was alone and sober on a Tuesday night after I did two pretty mediocre shows, watched karaoke, started to cry in a bar and decided I should go home. Not cool, but honest. Why was I throwing up then? I had one drink but in the last two weeks I have had a very difficult time eating pretty much anything. Feeling confident and distracted hanging out with Cameron we went to Dick’s burgers and I had two regular cheeseburgers. I could get them down on my way to a bar where a friend was working to watch karaoke instead of going home and being alone. All of this seemed like a good plan.

In the middle of a song I get this rush of all the anxiety and stress I had been dealing with, maybe triggered by a man with a beautiful voice singing Sara Bareilles, maybe not. I start to get choked up in this public place and quickly head to the bathroom to pull myself together. I cry for a little bit in the bathroom stall but am able to shove it back down. As I’m standing there, getting it together, I get this horrible knotted feeling in my stomach, like there is a big brick that needs to come out. Not in the ‘GET OUT OF THE WAY I’M GOING TO BLOW’ type of sense but in the ‘this thing is coming out if I have to do it myself’ kind of way. Maybe going home isn’t such a bad idea. I pack my things up and start walking up the hill to my car.

On the way back to the car I am actively looking for a place to secretly release this beast in my stomach. Trash cans are too public, there are other people using the area behind most buildings for various things, the park near by has a fountain but I peed in that once during college so I already felt like I had marked my territory. I’m just going to start driving back to my parents’ house and find something on the way. Obviously, I wasn’t super keen on the idea of coming home to my parents in the middle of the night and drawing all the attention with my vomiting. Knowing the Renton area as well as I do, I knew this particular park wasn’t too far off the freeway, was very dark and in the middle of some houses, not on a main road. Target acquired.

As I pull up to the park, I leave the car in front of the locked gate to the parking lot. I think I turn off the lights but I do not. I get out step over the gate and walk to this covered corner on the back side of the bathroom building that I know is there because we used to play kick-the-can at this park at night all the time. There I am, bent over like a linebacker, with my boots spread far enough apart to stay out of the splash zone and my hood is rigged up to play the part of someone holding my hair back. Ejection has commenced.

After cheeseburger #1 has made its way to the ground, I thought to myself “of course this is happening.” I didn’t realize what I meant at the time. While facing my insides on the ground of a park my uncle used to take me and my cousin to, I thought I had hit that wall of stress and anxiety, frustration and sadness where you can’t do anything but laugh and you seem to have accepted that you aren’t good enough and bad things just happen to you. As cheeseburger #2 was exiting the same place I use to try and convince people I am good enough I just had a flurry of all the work I had been trying to do for things that could potentially fall flat on their face. But not me, I couldn’t fall flat on my face because I would land in my own vomit.

This hiding spot is still solid and even though I left the headlights on, no one finds me.

How Does This End

At this point, I feel like everything has gotten out but I stay in the position, staring at the blended insides of my body, feeling empty in most ways possible. Looking down, hoping the Universe has spelled something out for me here. I find nothing and walk away, wiping my finger on a fence post I used to challenge my friends to jump over, and get back in the car. I make it home, very confused and disoriented. I wash my hands, brush my teeth and go to bed. I stare at the ceiling wondering if because I am what I am, am I destined to be tortured for my whole life or if I should just not eat Dick’s anymore.

I wake up at 5 am and get sick again, almost passing out and then again at 11 am. Maybe I am just sick and I have read too far into this… just adding more questions of inadequacy over how I am approaching all of this mentally. I’m not sure if it was when I was in the park or on the bathroom floor in a modified yoga pose hoping not to pass out but I finally had the thought ‘I think I should make some changes to the way I am thinking about things.’ I would say there was clarity in those moments but I was teetering between knowing I wasn’t having any positivity with myself at all and feeling resentment toward those who have a privileged enough life to have never cried onto their own vomit in the middle of the night. Wracking my brain for all the things I had used before to value myself during tough times of stress while also wondering if I just Will Byers style flushed a demogorgon into the world.

Why Does This Matter

“Monica, what the fuck are you talking about?”

Stress is poison and I have been literally poisoning myself with my thoughts on and off for years. You probably have too. I fight all the time to stay positive but when you get sucked down the other way you don’t realize it. So when I thought to myself “of course this is happening to me” it wasn’t because I deserve to be in pain, it was because I thought myself into that situation. Of course I’m vomiting up all the poison I have been putting my body through in this park where I once coached a summer camp. Of course this is happening because my attempts to ‘take care of myself’ were only going through the motions so I didn’t look as sad to other people. I let my mind bring me all the way down when I know exactly what I am supposed to be doing and I am confidently positive about all the things I am doing. I totally forgot! I have always had a hard time letting myself feel good about anything, even though I know how to do that.

After the burger and/or pain purge I felt a little bit renewed. Every once in awhile you have to remind yourself that you are good, great and wonderful. People know that about you and your hard work in life and on yourself is worth it. Also, trust yourself. I think that is the biggest source of anguish for me, I let these negative feelings pull me away from what I know is true and good and what I believe in. All of which have been tested time and time again and I am always right.

I read an entire book the next day. I have never done that. It was only 70 pages but clearly some changes have been made. I have spent years knowing what I should be doing for myself and how I should be utilizing those tool but just not doing it. It’s only been two days but maybe sometimes it just takes throwing up in a park in the middle of the night to shake it out of you. Or maybe… just maybe… you shouldn’t eat cheeseburgers from a 1,000 year old stand on a 2 day empty stomach. Give it whatever meaning you want.

I also updated my calendar. 🙂

My Project And Why It’s Important

This Saturday, November 18th will be the premiere of my short documentary series 80 For 80. This is a really important event for me and I feel that some people may be wondering why the project is important and relevant to me and also important and relevant in the current state of comedy and the country.

For Me

The project is a short video series of interviews with residents of King County over the age of 80. It is in the theme of a sports documentary and I had a wonderful time sitting down with each of the subjects. I am excited for you to see some of it. However, it should be known that this project was definitely for me. I have a couple obsessions that may border on unhealthy. In the past couple of years I have become pretty overwhelmed by thoughts of mortality in general and how to get the most out of your time here. I also tend to graze around the relationship between pain and comedy fairly consistently. Therefore the group of people who I felt like were honest enough and wise enough to tell us the truth about some of my questions and also be so painfully honest that it was funny was this group.

People in their 60s and sometimes 70s are still able and willing to sugarcoat things for us. Once you hit 80 there are zero fucks to be found. I had so many questions for people about their lives AFTER they had passed away. The project stemmed as a way to get this information before hand, for myself.

The other reason this project is really important to me is because I did it. I had the idea and told Ruben (the editor) about it and he encouraged me to apply for a grant to get it made. I did and we did. I learned so much about filming, had such amazing people helping me and even if it sucks, I can feel good about what we did. I am proud of that, although this has all been and will continue to be quite stressful.

For All Of Us

80 For 80 is important for all of us because buried within these hilarious comments and ridiculous stories is some real insight into what we should focus on and how we should treat each other and ourselves. Which are probably the two hardest things to master in the world. My philosophy with comedy and my podcast has always revolved around giving yourself a break to laugh and forget what stresses or pains you are having. That will happen too.

Even though there is some new sort of scandal most days it seems, a lot of the recent ones have been revolving around women in show business and how they are treated. I don’t really feel the need to tell a me too story because I think we can all assume some terrible things have happened. In light of all of these scandals however, I do feel very proud to have made a project like this on my own. At some point it becomes necessary for not only women in show business but anyone who is marginalized to just start trying to do things on their own. You can always say yes to yourself and if it’s something you believe in, you should do it. It may not be as easy or lucrative as having some big something buy it from you but it will feel better and you don’t have to watch anyone jerk off in a plant or whatever. The best way you can support anyone in art is to support their work. Go see people you like do stand up, support local artists, support the independent projects.

This is the part where I beg, I suppose. Please come support this project, it is something so different for me. I want it to be something even better and would love to do it again in other cities. Get your tickets now at monicanevi.com/80for80 and come see what no one else will get to see. Support me. If I’m being honest, I really need it. We are not 100% sure where the entire series will be released when it’s done but we will let you know when we know. But you can easily guarantee your opportunity to see what we have done by getting your tickets now. See an episode, behind the scenes footage and a Q and A session with myself, Ruben and other crew members.

How To Get Through A Long Drive

Traveling solo on that road trip you have always wanted to take? Moving cross-country with just as much of your stuff as you can fit in your car? Long drives can be intimidating but I’m here to give you some tips on how to get through them and what to expect as you go along. I drive a lot for my career, seemingly as a form of self-punishment so I have a lot of experience. This is based on an 18-hour drive but there are some elements marked that can be repeated if the drive exceeds that time.

Hour 1: Get an early start! Save up your podcasts for the week and/or an audiobook you have been meaning to listen to.

Hour 3: Switch to music. Listening to other people talk who aren’t there will result in you talking back to them eventually.

Hour 5: Sit in silence with your thoughts and connect with who you are inside on a deeper level.

Hour 6: Begin to question what exactly you did wrong to deserve to punish yourself like this.

Hour 7: Get the words to “It’s Windy” by The Association stuck in your head, even though you haven’t actually heard it in years but only the two lines that go

“Who’s tripping down the streets of the city?

Everyone knows it’s windy!”

You will later figure out those lines are not next to each other in the song and that is fine.

Hour 8: Fully embrace your self-hatred and genuinely question why anyone would love you or why you deserve anything good. Start reading the word ‘anal’ in front of all RV and trailer names.*

Hour 9: Music again.

Hour 10: Call someone in your phone! (Hands free, of course). Maybe someone you have been meaning to call just to catch up!*

Hour 11: Decide you should order some type of kitchen gadget, like a food processor on Amazon and do so.*

Hour 12: Everyone knows it’s windy!*

Hour 13: Lose complete control of your emotions. Are you crying? Is that road sign really that funny? You won’t be sure!

Hour 14: You will begin to accept your emotions and pain and relax into the realization that you have actually gone insane.

Hour 15: Curb hallucinations that may be setting in at this time by rapping  along to angry hip hop as loud as you can.*

Hour 17: You’re now in a fight with yourself. You have stopped talking.

Hour 18: You made it! That wasn’t that bad!

Now you can just enjoy the next 3 days at your destination trying to decipher what is reality and what isn’t.

There you go! This will help you get through that drive, you can do it!

*Repeatable step, if the trip takes longer than 18 hours.

 

 

The Upper Left

In between your moments spent weeping tears from all the disaster happening around us you may have noticed that I have completely my Upper Left Tour and am back in Los Angeles for now. Well, I’m flattered you took the time to notice that. People have had a lot of questions and I figure I should give a little recap of the good, the bad and the funny that was The Upper Left Tour.

The Good:

-I saw and worked in a ton of places I hadn’t worked before, a lot of small towns and fancy venues I hadn’t done yet and now I know how/where to get weed in all of them. I never saw myself in Nampa, ID or Pedelton, OR. Never did I consider I may be excited to go to places in Washington like Spokane or Richland but life throws you some interesting pitches sometimes and I have a known ability to get the bat on a curve ball.

-I got to work with some amazing people. Always nice to go back to the Northwest and work with some of my favorite comics but I also had the chance to work with some hotties that I hadn’t met before and I love watching monsters work. I got to open for Michael Ian Black and that was amazing. Matt Braunger was such a sweet guy to work with. At Bumbershoot I got to hang and work with Judah Freidlander, Brody Stevens, Joel Kim Booster, Todd Barry and Debra DiGiovanni and they all slayed so hard and were such nice people. Loved it and learned so much.

-Speaking of Bumbershoot, I got to do two festivals and I had a wonderful time at both. Festivals from time to time can be hard to deliver on. This year was great. Bumbershoot was fun and I love being a part of something so historically Seattle. I also had the opportunity to do the 208 Festival in Boise, ID. And that felt like a really fun summer camp where everyone was so nice, SO funny and we were treated very well with awesome shows.

-The hotels. My favorite part. I have enough shampoo, conditioner, lotion and hand soap to last me and all my roommates until next tour. Hotel sleep is a different experience that scientist should learn how to bottle. I only left one very important item in the hotel one time. I also had the tremendous experience of having a hotel room where the shower was in the middle of the room and not in the bathroom (check instagram @monicanevi for the proof).

-80 for 80. What a fun experience that I am so excited to see how it turns out and share it with you. I feel very proud of me and my team for being able to pull off a silly idea I had in the winter and actually execute and film it with grant money by the summer. It was a wonderful experience with great, hilarious and interesting people. I learned so much from producing, writing and performing as well as the intricacies of the jobs that my crew has done perfectly. It’s more than I could ever have asked from for just starting with a silly text that said “hey I have an idea.”

The Bad (Or Questionable):

-Poor Jean (that’s my car). My hot ass red Ford Focus out here all summer driving around crushing gas mileage and not smelling that bad for essentially having someone live inside of her. However, we had 3 oil changes in 3 months and are about to need another one. She has been worked hard this summer and I appreciate all that she has done for us.

-My computer. Although I am fingering her gently now, she is definitely on the way out. If anyone has suggestions on how to get a new computer when you really, really can’t afford one… let me know.

-Tired and lonely. Potentially the name for my next tour. The travel is fun to be in other places and I feel so lucky I get to do comedy in all these different parts of the country but the getting there sucks. Long drives and yourself being the only person to talk to most of the time. It gets real crazy in there.

-Hotels. I know I said it was good before and I’m a fan of always keeping something positive in mind but I did have a few really lonely hotel nights where I had been driving long days, performed multiple shows and that is the perfect combination to result in slim jims and tears while laying on a hotel room floor. It only happened twice but still. Would have had a third had there not been a shower and jacuzzi tub right in the middle of my room, thank you Phoenix Inn.

What’s Next:

-Honestly, there is quite a bit more work coming up as far as travel goes. This time more in and out of LA but I have been offered enough work that is would be silly not to take it. So first off I’m back in Seattle for a cool corporate gig and because of that I put together an awesome Renton show in Renton at Delancey’s on 3rd FRIDAY SEPTEMBER 29th. Other awesome Renton comics and myself headlining as I have not headlined a show in Renton in a couple years and this will be a fundraiser for Leukemia and Lymphoma. Get your tickets now! Here And/Or sign up for my e-mail list through this website to get a discount code.

-80 for 80 is currently in editing. This takes some time so be patient. It will be out this fall, so fear not. The date is flexible at this point as I want to make sure we have time to create exactly what we want to be able to present to you. However, there will be a big premiere event so keep your eyes out for that as well as sneak peaks and small clips in the mean time.

-Very exciting work going on with the HugLife Podcast, we have some huge announcements coming up in the next couple weeks that I couldn’t possibly be happier about. If you aren’t listening, please change that. It’s worth it, it’s fun and I am very proud of it. Check it out here.

Thank you to everyone who came out to shows and bought magnets and hugged me and sent tweets and messages and everything over the course of the tour. Literally, could not do it without you… need someone to be able to talk this nonsense at and I love you for that.

Doing Amazon shopping? Use this banner when you do it!!!!!! Please, I am very poor and have to pay for this website.

Amazon Deleted My Positive Review

I have a little internal dispute with the fact people most often leave reviews and comments when they are upset about something and rarely take the time to say anything positive. I have been trying to positively review some of the things I think other people would like to use, especially if I really enjoy the company or creator.

A few months ago (I have been dealing with the emotional repercussions of this experience, so it has taken me a bit to write this) I was having some issues going the bathroom. My grandmother suggested I use a laxative, so I went to the Wal-mart and picked up the Equate Gentle Women’s Laxative and this review is the story of what happened and how surprisingly well it worked. Below is a screenshot of the top of their e-mail denying my support of the company and below that is the entire review.

This is the full thing so you can understand why I am disappointed Amazon didn’t accept this glowing review:

“If you are stressing about using a laxative choose this one as it will definitely eject any fear or concern right out of your asshole. This was a last resort for me personally as I had some ongoing issues with constipation that had become painful. I chose these specifically because I am a woman and like most things gentle. As I had learned in the past based on massages and watching children pet dogs, we all have a different definition of gentle.

The reason this product gets a 5 is because it did what it was supposed to do. The label said to expect some action 6-12 hours after it is taken. The next morning, about 10 hours after I took one of the 5mg pills, I had a movement that could be considered gentle only in how soft it was. Although, it was a little startling, I finally felt a little relief. I didn’t think everything was cleared out but I was very pleased something was happening. About 30 minutes later, I felt a little bit of a rush to the restroom to then expel what I can only describe as ass vomit. It was a lot but I did feel like I got all the stuff that was stuck in there out.

About an hour later I was on the phone on my bed and as I got off the phone I rolled onto my stomach. I promptly shit my pants while lying on my stomach in sweatpants, sans underwear. The math on how that happened is still a little bit shaky in my head but if you imagine stepping on a Capri Sun, shot out like a straw. After I audibly said “oh, that’s not good” I shuffled to the bathroom and had my first official shit to shower. I wore the sweatpants into the shower.

One more bout and I felt great, like everything had finally come out and the shame of shitting my pants without any underwear on was starting to hurt a little less. I couldn’t help but notice my abs killin it and think that the gentle may how been referring to the severity of the bulimia you might have if choosing to use these. Cost effective and ass effective. If you want to feel a little fear, need something to make you feel alive and also clean you out. This is the product. ”

I don’t want to give you the impression I am fighting with Amazon on Prime Day because I am not. I am fighting the war on positive reviews everyday. In fact I like Amazon and you should use this banner to check out those Amazon deals, if that’s what you’re into. Maybe all the scientific terms were too much for their review guidelines but I genuinely encourage you to write positive reviews for any products, podcasts or services you use and are happy with. They have a great impact on the success of the company so you can continue to have their services flow right through you.

Any direct questions about the quality of the laxatives are welcomed in the comments. I have 29 of the 30 pills left if anyone wants to try.

I Keep Dating People, Who Are Dating People.

I am a comedian. If you have seen my set, listened to my podcast or anything I have done, it’s fairly obvious I am not great at dating. In fact at some point now I say “I’m just not good at it” on stage. Most of that is my fault but I have come across this cycle where I date people who are dating people, and not on purpose. I’m confused by it, appalled at some points and now genuinely discouraged again. It’s complicated but maybe someone –anyone?- else has had this happen this too.

Life And Art

In the fall of last year I wrote a joke about having been “dating” or “talking” to someone who gets engaged during that time, which was and is true. The only part I exaggerated was that it has happened to me four separate times. At the time of me writing the joke, only one person got in engaged and one was seeing someone very seriously (like years) while we were “dating.”

“Life imitates art far more than art imitates life” -Oscar Wilde

As a stand-up comic I like to talk about my life, things that have happened to me or things that I have witnessed. I don’t do political material because right now I enjoy not thinking about it for a moment. Also, I’m too stupid to really know what I am talking about. I want the audience to be able to relate to stuff I have been through or at least understand it. I think comedy is art… sometimes. Those times are when it really does imitate life.

I started telling the joke in October and since then I have either had this happen again or found out that while I was dating someone in the past they were with someone else – a total of 5 times now. My subconscious must have been so uncomfortable with the fact I wasn’t completely telling the truth on stage that it was like, we have to fix this.

What Is Happening?

In the past 2 years I have dated 2 people that got engaged during the time we were hanging out and 3 people who were soon moving in with a person they had been seeing more multiple years. Sure I want to blame it on an outside force and I am starting to think maybe this is all a simulation but here is no way that I am not at fault for some of this.

A lot of this may stem from the fact I am a pretty traditional person. I get jealous, I like monogamy but love is the scariest thing in the world, so I just stay away from relationships all together. I feel that if you are going to tell someone you love them and only want to be with them then you should do that. If those feelings change, you should also tell them. My issue with the fact this keeps happening is that they are lying to the other person more than they are lying to me.

I have watched someone I loved be with another person when they said they loved me and there are few pains greater. To know that I was, or could have been, the partial cause of someone else feeling like that, makes me sick to my stomach. Even though I am a badass-independent-strong mama-cool girl, I don’t like it when other people are hurt. Also, I am lied to in this scenario as well and I don’t like that at all.

Hopefully, this is a simulation and I am just someone’s Sims character and they saw me thinking about a person I had dated a year ago like “I should tell him that I did really care about him and I’m sorry and that he is the only person I had considered a relationship with in the past 7 years, yeah I should do that.” Cut to a day later when a friend of mine runs into him and confirms that he not only was with someone the whole time we were hanging out but they are moving in together. Cool, number 5. So whoever is in charge, made that happen so I wouldn’t embarrass myself. Good on you, I hope you win this game.

What Am I Doing Wrong?

Obviously, there is a flaw in the people I am attracted to, how I am treating the relationship or just me as a person that is leading to these situations. If I think about it, after having been burned before, I do steer away from finding out the truth. I never ask if they are seeing someone else because I am usually not looking for something exclusive, so I don’t really care. I don’t want them to ask me that same question so I just don’t bring it up.

Note to self: When they don’t ask if you are seeing anyone else, they are seeing someone else.

In reality I am fine with them casually dating or hanging out with other people, I have a weird life, it doesn’t work for relationships. My issue is with them being in a serious relationship with intentions of ending up with that person and them not being aware that you are out here swinging your dick around.

Note to self: Dick swinging is not attractive.

My indifference has led me to gloss over a lot of things that in retrospect would have been strong indicators of what was going on. More than one of these cases had excused text messaging, where every time they would be texting or calling a certain person they would vigorously explain who it was. “Oh this is Sarah, she is my best friend, nothing is going on at all, we are just friends.” Even though I NEVER asked who it was or what was going on, I don’t explain my text messaged because I’m not hiding anything. I did have one person ask me why I wouldn’t check my texts in bed, was I hiding something? I just didn’t have any messages.

Note to self: When an unasked question is answered, it’s a lie.

I am upfront with the fact I am busy, I am out of town a lot and I’m kind of a bitch. I hope the other person is honest about their situation too. The only scenario I have found honesty in has still been real fucked up, someone who did get married, told me but then said they still wanted to date and it was okay in their situation… and I did that for awhile. Maybe because my standards of normal are so low and I don’t think anything can function or because it was the first person who had been moderately honest with me in years. People just want you to do what they want and will lie through their butts to get you to do it.

Alternative Dating Styles

As a result of my naturally traditional intuition I had previously viewed people in open relationships or poly-amorous relationships as ‘outsider’ and weird. After all of this, however, I have a much greater respect for that amount of communication and confidence in your relationship it would take to make that work. It’s not traditional, sure, but at this point traditional just means you are cheating on each other.

I have more than one married friend who has threesomes all the time and that works great for them. I know a few people that have an extra girlfriend or whatever and everyone is cool with it. I know a small amount of people who have had an open relationship work for them. I am having trouble wrapping my mind around how comfortable I would be in a situation like that but I respect it far more than I do anyone who has just started dating me even though they were going to propose soon to someone else.

The fact that is plural is insane.

The amount of security, love and communication it takes to talk to someone about what you are feeling instead of cheating on them is admirable. Pretending you are single and sleeping with someone DAYS before you propose to someone else, is not.

There are a few things I am saying:
1. This is a weird pattern and I don’t know how to fix it but maybe someone else has had this happen too.
2. This all may really be a simulation.
3. Stop judging people who have an alternative style of relationship, if it is working that’s better than half of us anyway.
4. The most important, if you do have someone who is on your same page, doesn’t cheat on you, treats you right and communicates. Enjoy them, have fun in those moments and cherish the fact you found something good. Because everyone is lying and it will come out eventually so you might as well have fun for a while.

The 5 Steps To A Viral Video

Whether it’s unintentional or well thought out the viral video is the pinnacle of internet success. Some of us are looking to create something we are proud of and have others really enjoy it so they share it with their friends, like you will with this article. Others are just hoping to have their phone out when someone falls in a fountain or gets dragged off a plane. We are going to focus on the intentional viral video part, since you can only cross your fingers so long that a girl gets punched in the face in the background of your SnapChat.

Here are the very easy steps to making a viral video*

Step 1: Conceptualize

Whatever it is you want this video to represent at the end have a clear vision of that when you start. What category is it going to fit in? What is the message you want to get out to people? Are you motivating, are you helping, are you instructing, are you showcasing something amazing or are you making people laugh/cry? This is intentionally viral so you must be intentional with your planning. Lay out and write down what you are going to do and be able to identify the parts that will make people want to share.

Step 2: Boobs And Cats

Now take the structure you just created and chop it up so you can fit in as many cats and boobs as possible. If you have the opportunity to film cats and boobs together, you are really helping yourself out. The more the better. Now, if your original structure was meant to be just a cat playing with boobs simply add more cats and boobs you don’t really need to rewrite too much.

Step 3: Add An Injury 

Since it is morally questionable and pretty dark to manufacture some sort of tragedy for your viral video, your next best bet is to have someone fall or hit their head. People love to watch other people get hurt. Usually this needs to be a minor injury that the audience will know the person is okay but some people are into wondering if the person made it. So cut from cats and boobs to a friend running into the door or falling off a table they should not have been standing on.

Step 4: Title And Share Relentlessly

This is key, share the video on all of your social media and post it directly to your friends’ pages. The title is what will draw them in so make it something that is intriguing and true to the video itself and catchy like “Man Falls On Kitties Playing With Titties” or something like that. Then message those same friends with the exact same link and ask them to either share it, like it or up vote it. This makes every single follower so annoyed that they have to watch it to know what is going on. There is nothing we like more than watching something that has been shared a ton and going “that wasn’t even that good.” That’s what makes it a viral video, it being divisive.

Step 5: Constantly Check View Numbers

You are going to want to post it separately on Facebook and Youtube as they have different view counting systems. When people ask you how many views it has, always go with the Facebook number as it will absolutely be higher. Check back on the views every 10 minutes for the rest of the day. When you start getting a lot of views make posts sharing the video again that say things like “almost to 1 million” or almost “more than that Adele video.” What ever gets people riled up to watch it again. The numbers are what make it viral, so always check them.

If you follow these steps you will be 100% guaranteed** to have a viral video on your hands. Remember to think about what people are going to want to SHARE. That’s the biggest thing to keep in mind. Some viewers are great and align with exactly what you want them to and then there are the majority of people who need something they can comprehend and that’s where the viral videos flourish.

In my experience, I really have fun and feel fulfilled when I make my monthly Mellowing Out with Monica meditation videos but people enjoyed watching my perform stand up after smoking weed a little bit more. All of which is on my YouTube channel you can subscribe to here.

Whatever you gathered from this article I know for a fact that I am not wrong.

*I have never had a video go viral and am using an aggregated source of information on videos that I have seen go viral.

**This number is based solely on the actual kitty-boob-fall video described the steps.

 

 


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