Monica Nevi

Comedian

Month: March 2017

Why Angela Bassett Should Replace Amy Schumer As Barbie

If you hadn’t heard, they are making a new Barbie movie which comedian and sexy soft bodied comedian Amy Schumer was set to play the title role. I am always down for the idea to have a woman with a more relatable body type to show young women. Yeah Amy, your body isn’t brave, it’s relatable. I like Schumer a lot, even after the fame and say what you want about me personally but I liked the Leather Special more than her last HBO special and ‘Mostly Sex Stuff’ is one of my top 5 favorite comedy specials. I have watched almost all of the comedy, ever.

Regardless of how we feel about Amy Schumer she has backed out of the film for what seems to be a better role in a different movie. Now we have to find a new Barbie and I have seen some other ideas being thrown around about who that should be so I wanted to throw in my 2 Angela Bassett cents.

What Barbie Is To Me

I think this is an important question to ask yourself when you are tackling the hard hitting issue of who you think would be a better pick to portray Barbie. Did she symbolize what you wanted to be? Did you idolize the idea of an impossibly tiny waist, huge tits and blonde hair? Or were you like me and for years Barbie and Skipper had to take their camping van into the garage because they always brought way too much food that they didn’t eat and it would get all over?

For me Barbie eventually turned into only naked in the bathtub with Ken and a convertible car and they literally never wore clothes. Which I like to think is really what happened next. What I am saying is that what Barbie meant to each of us, will vary. I played with Barbie and I was more self-conscious about my body because of Cheryl Miller than Barbie.

Age

I like to take things literally and if we are talking about Barbie now, she would be at least 58, as she was ‘born’ of March 9th, 1959. Mind you she was born a 19 year old blonde girl but whatever. Angela Bassett is 58 years old right now.

Fame

Barbie is famous as fuck yo. She is the original Kardashian and she got to come in her own box to get that fame. So I feel like the real-life Barbie should be seasoned in taking fame gracefully. Angela Bassett has been in the spotlight for years, manages to have had a successful marriage since 1997 and has two kids while still working and maintaining fame. That’s an admirable fame story.

Looks

This is where we might be divided, I know the original body is unrealistic and we were going to go with Carb Barbie this time but a 58 year old women who can’t bring those guns into a school zone is a body image I want to have on my wall. As a former athlete with a Bachelors in Sports and Exercise Science and a Masters in Judging People On Instagram this is what is hot now. We are no longer chasing the tiny waist, big boobs thing. We want to be able to eat a balanced, healthy meal and be on the squat team. Angela Bassett’s body is amazing, she got the booty we are all looking for and she just walks around like her body isn’t magic, handing out boners left and right.

Also, the little white girls are going to be just fine, they see themselves enough as it is. Barbie has always been someone we convinced ourselves we should try to be like. Beautiful, home-maker, sweet lady. Well Angela Bassett seems to be all of those things and more. I wake up everyday hoping that somehow I have become Angela Bassett.

Angela Bassett Barbie Has Seen Some Shit

This is the most important part to my suggestion, I want my Barbie to have seen some shit. Personally, I have always felt that being drown in a bathtub everyday and getting terrible haircuts that never grew back just wasn’t a real enough struggle for me to relate to my Barbie. Angela Bassett Barbie has seen most of the things that shape our nation, meaning she can help you navigate through what is coming next.

She was Rosa Parks. She knows Malcom X. She mothered the Jacksons. She met some boys in the hood. She exhaled after lighting her husbands car on fire and then she got her groove back. Not to mention being an important part in a spelling bee before she was Coretta Scott King. You try making time for all that.

All I’m saying is if we are moving in this progressive direction of someone we should be looking up to, she’s the one. She is a time tested, beautiful, strong mother and wife who supports charities and has maintained an outstanding career and classy demeanor through all of it.

Alternative Answers

Maybe you disagree with me so here are some other options I have thought of that I don’t think would be as good as Angela Bassett but could be considered.

  • Charo
  • Betty White
  • Rihanna
  • Jane Seymour
  • Laverne Cox
  • Melissa McCarthy
  • Leslie Jones

Or we could just take the story in a more literal direction and see what really happened to Barbie and put Courtney Love in there.

Just something to think about.

I Am Me Because Of The Strong Women In My Life

It wasn’t only International Women’s Day that prompted this. It could also have been the spam comment I got from “BoycottBitches.com” but I have just been thinking on the strong women in my life and how lucky I am. I have a weird, fun, sometimes stressful and financially unrewarding life that I wouldn’t trade for the literal control of the world. The only reason I have been able to achieve anything, set myself up for any success or sit in this coffee shop in Louisville waiting for my shows this weekend is because of the strong women in my life.

It is silly and unfortunate that I feel I have to wait until something prompts me to write a post of this nature. Although, I spend a lot of my energy writing jokes, making videos and producing a podcast that highlights the good parts of people and life, some times I feel like I should tone it back. That’s silly. I am so sick of hearing about everything we hate and how mean we are and how we kill each other. I want to talk about good stuff, lest we forget it exists. This is a series of short descriptions of the strong women in my life, how they changed me and to the men who helped create an environment for us to thrive. If you have women in your life like this, I hope you take the time to appreciate them and reflect on these things. If you do not have strong women in your life or you don’t respect them, I feel sorry for you and the personal development that you have deprived yourself of.

Mother Figures And Grandmothers

I am more than aware that I am blessed to have not only an amazing mother but 3 awesome grandmothers and various other women in my family that had me learning what it was like to be strong and independent since day one. People frequently ask me how I got the courage to start stand-up, quit my job, travel alone, move away from home, etc. The honest truth is it never crossed my mind that it was some kind of courageous moves. I wanted to be true to myself and I had people that always told me I could do whatever I wanted and supported me in doing so. So I did. Why was I able to do that? I watched women my whole life do things they weren’t “supposed to do.”

My grandma Shirley got a business degree back when we were barely allowed to talk and ran her own business in Idaho her whole life, while raising two daughters. She even kept the newspaper clipping from when a drunk customer “slugged her in the face.” How fucking bad ass is that?

My grandma Karen is the literal funniest person I have ever met and completely unintentionally. She worked as a hair stylist and dental hygienist while my grandfather was a school teacher. Raised two of the weirdest yet most respectful and caring men in the world. To this day she is ahead of the curve on social issues, supports me in my involvement in women’s rights issues and texts me the most hilarious supportive messages when I am at a women’s march or some other protest.

My grandma Barbara has the exceptional story of changing her life in the most impressive of ways. From working in Vegas to making the difficult decision of having her daughters live with their father to becoming a faith-driven, Texas living lady and loving mother. That’s strength and an admirable commitment to yourself and what makes you happy. She never gave up on her family or herself. She starting taking computer classes and GED courses at age 80.

My sweet Pam, if you have ever read any of my stuff, seen my stand-up or talked to me, you are aware I love my mother. The example she inadvertently set for me by moving away from rural Idaho -because she knew people weren’t being treated right there- becoming a boss lady in her field, surviving as a single mother and ultimately showing me to my face what it is like to continue to be productive and successful in your work field while having a great, healthy and equally supportive marriage. Well, it’s a lot to live up to but I like a challenge.

Basically, I have seen these women, right in front of me, my whole life do all these things, they weren’t supposed to, at times they weren’t supposed to and be so successful and great at it. With that in mind, the real question is, why wouldn’t I have made all these decisions when my whole life I haven’t just been told I can do anything, I have been shown.

 

Women In Work And Basketball

Basketball and the relationships I formed while playing saved my life over and over again. I got to be shown examples of strong young adult women, working hard, doing what they love and achieving goals, coaches teammates and fans alike. There is something about having the people you look up to you, affirm that you’re capable, that sticks with you forever.

I had a coach in college that would refer to getting shots up as “getting better.” “There was no court around so I couldn’t go get better” she once told me about playing overseas in Ireland. We were going to have an individual workout with a player who was going to training camp for a WNBA team and she said “how long are we going to work out for?” My coach responded “it depends on how much better you want to get” BOOM! That is so far stuck in my head that every time I am tired before a show or don’t want to work on writing or am afraid to send e-mails or network I just have this voice in my head saying “it just depends on how much better you want to get.”

People talk shit about all the things I do, so I am used to it. Women’s basketball is or isn’t this, women aren’t as funny… blah blah blah. It’s old, it’s played out, it’s unoriginal. I have literally spent so much of my life watching young women, from different backgrounds and countries, develop as strong, independent people that there is nothing you can say about what I do that can take any pride or love I have for it away. I have watched teammates graduate, get great jobs that give back to the community, own their own businesses, become bosses at huge companies, start beautiful families and get married to people they love that support them, all because we wanted to play a sport that boys were supposed to play. Basketball and the support system it formed for me got me through all of school, got me a degree and got me the mindset and non-com support I still have. I love all those women, their husbands and wives and their children for being so great. If you can’t acknowledge how great sport, STEM and art programs can be for a young woman, the program isn’t the problem, it’s the way you view us.

I have also been blessed with some female bosses that were a blaring example of believing in yourself, carrying yourself as a professional and performing at the level that you know you deserve to be at relentlessly until someone finally acknowledges it. People tell comics all the time to “be undeniable” but I learned that years ago from my lady bosses that just kept pushing until they could not be denied.

The Men That Support Women

You don’t have to call yourself a “male feminist” just fucking show up.

Also, you can just say feminist, if you want.

I am picky about the men in my life and how they treat women. The comics I associate with and the friends I have are guys that have shown that they treat women right. It’s easy to keep them around when they treat you right. My friends know I am strong, know I am capable and definitely pick me in the top 3 for any team sport game. They are extremely intelligent men that value a woman who is smart and independent, and good on my friends for cashing in on the noble move of being a kept man. I have always seen my parents marriage as equal, supportive and always pushing each other to be better in work, in life and golf/marathoning. My grandfathers were just as great about their wives being as strong and independent as they were. Which is a testament to the fact it’s not a “different time” it’s just human decency to treat women and minorities with the respect they deserve as humans.

I know that men are great allies, supporters and advocates for women because I see it everyday when they treat us with respect. The headliners that take me on the road as much as the guys, giving me that same chance. The bosses I had that saw my work for what it was and gave me promotions based on that and not who it was coming from. My friends that love, respect and treat their wives like the strong beautiful women they are. I delight in seeing men just be humans and treat us as such. There are few things more fun, more attractive or more hopeful then dudes treating ladies like humans. It’s pretty awesome.

All in all, stop worrying about the idea of what women’s rights means on a huge level, think about you mom and your daughter and niece and your sister and your grandmother and your best friend and they are being treated, how decisions effect them and how you are treating them. Reflect on their strength and their story and how it has made you a better person.

If none of these things are true for you, if you just minimize and marginalize women enough that this made you mad, I feel sorry for you. Sorry you clicked on this looking for something to be mad about, sorry if my praise of the women in my life has made you upset about your own. But if it does, please “boycott bitches” that would actually make this way easier.

 

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