Monica Nevi

Comedian

Month: September 2016

Well That’s Debatable – The Unbiased Highlights from Debate #1

If you are like me, you do genuinely want what’s best for the future of the United States and the world. When it comes to the 2016 Presidential Election however, you are well aware of how ridiculous this political clown train (bigger than a clown car) has gotten and are looking for some fun highlights. We like sports and we like things simple because we are dumb. Here are the Debate Center Top Plays of the night! Amurica.

Some of you may be concerned because I have a history of laying left and I’m sure both sides are frustrated with the candidate bashing today but fear not. Whoever you are voting for, whoever you hate, whatever insecurities you are burying with anger toward politicians, throw them out the window. Here are the top 5 highlighted takeaways of the first presidential debate, no matter who you are:

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1. Cat fight

It has been deemed one of the “fiercest” debates to date and I like fierce. There is so much pent up frustration and angst for both of these presidential candidates. No matter who you support you had to be ready for Mr. Donald Trump to talk the same way he has and interrupt everyone like the Republican Debates. What we did not expect was Hillary to get in there with some personal jabs too! Trump is not afraid to cut you off when he thinks you are saying something incorrect (or just disparaging) but for Hillary to slide in some comments and attacks about the economy being “Trump’d up” or him “living in his own reality” really increased the entertainment value of the whole thing and that’s what we Americans are into. Calm down ladies, it’s only the first round!

2. Wrong!

Any experience can be a learning experience and last night I learned if you don’t agree with something people are saying, you can just yell ‘wrong!’ or ‘no’ over them while they try and finish their statement. At the very least just shake your head hard enough or make faces that let the audience know whatever your opponent is saying, you disagree with. There is a value to this in regular life, if ever in an argument from now on I will just shake my head violently enough that I can’t even hear what bullshit they are telling me (because like you, I am always right) and move on accordingly.

They both did it.

3. First Gentleman

There are some people who really don’t like Bill Clinton, for the various reasons available that might lead one to that opinion. We just recently had some issues with Hillary’s health and questions about her being helped into a car when she looked like she was fainting. Well, ease your mind. If you don’t want Hillary because you don’t want to have Bill around again OR you are a Trump supporter you may be in luck, Bill looks like he is dying. If you haven’t been able to see any of the coverage lately Google will auto-fill “Bill Clinton…” with “has AIDS” so clearly his health is in question.

4. Lack of Sexuality

Luckily, for most Americans there were few jabs taken about looks or relationship histories. Hillary did touch on some of Trump’s treatment of women in the past but only on a broad level, nothing about his family. He only really attacked Bill as a president and not as a family man. No mention of his immigrant wife or multiple divorces and nothing about her husband’s infidelities or women of the past. She even wore a full red pants suit to divert any thoughts of a blue dress. I appreciated that but there is part of me that thinks maybe they are saving it up for another time.

5. Income Tax

No matter how you feel about Trump withholding his tax information, the controversy was on the table last night. Trump’s reasoning has been that he is being audited and cannot release them. We should all appreciate Lester Holt’s pressing of the issue and saying that he is definitely able to give that information during the audit. It seems it is another silly thing we are hung up on that is a simple fix of just sharing that information. However, the best part of this question was when Hillary called him out for not having paid his income taxes he interrupted her to say that he did not pay them because he is smart. Amazing. If you weren’t excited by that, you’re the robot. Smart people don’t have to pay income tax, I’m on board with that Don.

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Those were the Top 5 highlights from the first 2016 Presidential Debate. I put a lot of effort into the unbiased part. If you didn’t watch the debates, good on you and now you know the most important parts that you missed. It is about entertainment, Bernie! It’s not about hope anymore so let’s get something out of it.

This debate was brought to you by Cocaine and Water: Cocaine and Water, it’s tremendous!

Also by Pant Suits: Pants Suits, cause you’re a lady.

Thank you for reading another silly article at monicanevi.com! A BUNCH OF EXCITING STUFF IS HAPPENING SOON! SIGN UP FOR MY E-MAIL LIST TO GET THE NEWS EARLY AND SPECIAL DEALS 🙂

I love you. We are going to be okay.

The Most Obvious Rap Lyrics Ever – By Perd Rapley

I am feeling pretty proud of myself because I spent a fair amount of time creating Perd Rapley! Someone I have wanted to create for a long time. There has to be more than one person who is a rap fan AND a Parks and Recreation fan like me. I love rap, I hear it as positive affirmations without all the hippy shit. Just like any of our favorite things, some lyrics are better than others. Perd Rapley is here to let us know which ones maybe sound redundant and silly. He knows all about that. I have put his smiling face on whatever artist the song is by and that way if you hear the lyric just imagine Mr. Rapley laying it down. Then it fits perfectly. Here are 5 that I have made. I hope you enjoy them as much as I do.

That time 2 Chainz told it like it is in Birthday Song:

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When Chingy covered all the bases in Balla Baby:

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When Jay-Z reminded Blue Ivy who her mother is in Glory.

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Dr. Dre just making sure you know in Nothin but a G Thang.

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And of course when Nicki Minaj took us through her creative process in Only.

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These are some of my favorite rappers and now I am adding Perd Rapley to that list. I am pretty impressed with my fake photoshop and interneting abilities. Share with someone who loves rap and Parks and Rec, or hates these songs, they may also enjoy it.

If you need me I’ll be over here feeling accomplished

Do Stuff, Trust Me

I would have loved to name this “How to Follow Your Dreams” and then have the body just say “Don’t” but that’s not really my style. So I am here to recap my fantastic PNW Summer Tour and impart to you the knowledge I gathered on tour, in LA and on the road by myself. Sure, I’ll tell you about some of the cool stuff that happened along the way but this is about me teaching you something that you don’t need to know.

Maybe you do need to know. Maybe you want to take a long trip by yourself? Share your trade with different parts of the country? Or just get the fuck away from people for a while? I can give you some unqualified advice on how to do and deal with those things.

Brief Recap

September 10th of last year was the first show on the Blanket Fort Comedy Tour, I had quit my day job, spent hours booking three months of shows all over the country and was ready to really be away from the only life I had known. The reason I don’t feel comfortable sitting here and telling you not to follow your dreams is because I’m a huge supporter of just doing it. I wear a lot of Nike and underneath this resting bitch face is a lot of optimism for my life and yours.

We did it. Left home with a giant bag packed ready to tell jokes to strangers anywhere they would pay us or let us sleep on their floor. Three months of seeing new cities, new people and eating. Well worth it, if you are thinking of traveling or road tripping I do recommend experiencing America and all its nooks and crannies. It changed my life, I know now that my retirement life will take place in Santa Claus, Indiana. You have to get out there and discover those things for yourself.

Moving to Los Angeles was just the next step for me. That’s confusing to some people and no, if I wasn’t moving keeping my career in mind I would not have chosen Los Angeles. Mostly, because I don’t really like people much and this is where they are. However, I had never lived anywhere outside of Renton or Seattle, Wa. So a move needed to happen regardless and this makes sense for my career. It gets overwhelming, I still travel a lot so I can refresh my memory of how to do more than 5 min of stand up and yes the disgusting climate is cause for concern. Other than that I really like it here, it’s fast paced, it pushes you and the worst thing that can happen is you go home. So what? If returning to Seattle is the worst case scenario, I have set myself up just fine.

Summer is a perfect time for more travel as Los Angeles becomes a desert planet over-populated by sweaty walking penises. Starting in July I drove from LA to Bellingham, Wa in one trip. I did it in 18 hours and only took one 30 min nap. That’s pretty good. It did get real questionable in there at times but you can be the judge if the fake television interview I did with myself or the purposeful yelling of wrong words to songs was weird or not. That specific drive was very motivating actually, in that I wanted to work hard enough to never have to do it again. #Planes.

It started the tour of the Pacific Northwest. A tour that stemmed from an annual family vacation in late July but grew just based on the awesome comedy communities in that area of the country. It turned into a very long, exciting, fun, exhausting and learning experience. Here are my most exciting moments of the tour and my tips for how to stay sane in a situation like that.

The Good-Do Stuff!

  • People Came – The most fun part of working in the Northwest was having all the people who I spent 5 years convincing I was funny come out to shows when I was home. I got to close out some of my favorite rooms, got to work with some of my favorite comics and got to meet new amazing comics that I never even dreamed I would work with. Do stuff because people.
  • My little baby Secret Show- While home in Seattle I got to do the Seattle Super Secret StandUp Show that we created and it was so fun to see that she is still doing so well (thank you). Then to hear that the September show was a fucking rock star with so many Bumbershoot drop-ins and well supported! Love that. Do stuff because you will never be proud of what you haven’t created.
  • Nick Swardson- The highlight of my career to this point was getting to feature for Nick Swardson for a week. I have worked with some pretty cool people but Nick’s credentials in my mind put him at the top. He was one of my favorite comics since I was 12, I have quoted his specials systematically in conversation since then. Then to not only get to work with him but watch him spill out genius, hilarious, NEW material for 8 hours. Not to mention he was an awesome dude and we got along great. Amazing shows too, loved every minute of it, it was a die happy type of experience. Do stuff because that’s what your heroes do.
  • Greg Proops- I was also given the opportunity to work with Greg Proops and have my tiny mind blown by someone who really has figured out how to be a person. One of the nicest and definitely smartest comedy stars I have worked with, we smoked pot and talked about Abraham Lincoln for an hour. I have never met someone who was so comfortable, confident and smart while still being so genuine. Fantastic dresser as well. Do stuff because you might meet Greg Proops and he will teach you something.
  • Talking farts with grandma- My favorite part of my summer trip, because I don’t know if I have ever consistently laughed that hard for that long. Picture this: me, my cousin, my uncle and my grandmother on this lovely balcony right on Lake Chelan in Washington, underneath a beautiful night sky. Gorgeous. Sharing the funniest stories we could each think of about someone accidentally farting when it was quiet. Do stuff because you may remember it forever.

Just the Tips- Trust Me

Here is a list of suggestions if you ever find yourself on a 2 month long road trip alone.

  • Sex Strategy- Save sex for people you will never see again or wait until the end of the trip when you have to leave. These trips are and will continue to be way better when you are single. Unless you are doing the adventure together with someone you love and then I can’t help you because I don’t know what that is like. Trust me, it’s better off solo.
  • Sleeping Bag- You never know. Will you be sleeping outside? Probably not. I have entered into a horrible secret grudge match with Motel 6 and similar lodging companies. I like to put pubes on the towels myself, thank you. I keep the sleeping bag (and tent) in the car for these purposes: camping if necessary, car sleeping if necessary but most of all gross sleeping scenarios (they will happen). Could be a hotel, a couch in a house with too many animals or that big shelf we walk on, the floor. Trust me, better bag than sorry.
  • Almonds- The perfect snack. I try to keep my healthy lifestyle, Sports and Exercise Science degree bullshit to myself but eating on the road is one of the most interesting and difficult parts of long trips. Almonds are delicious, high in protein to keep you satiated between stops. Trust me, because snacks.
  • Don’t Drink- But smoke pot. Drinking is actually ok but people are going to be so excited to see you or meet you (no matter who you are, people just get excited) which can lead to lots of drinking. That’s fine but if you do it all the time, the trip becomes painful, you miss out on fun stuff and it kills your immune system. Getting sick on a trip is THE WORST. So pot. People will think you are cool. Trust me, you look cool.
  • Time- Be aware of the length of time you will be able to handle. Being in other people’s space, the actual traveling can be very exhausting. A couple of weeks may be the best idea. A month would be fun or if you are insane like me do multiple months, I dare you. Starting slower and then ramping up to a longer trip is a solid idea. Or you can succumb to you agoraphobia, fear the world, just stay home and never be happy. Trust me, moderation.

In closing, I am extremely happy with my choices over the last year. I feel liberated just by making the choices. Hasn’t even mattered what the outcomes are or will be. Can I do more? Oh yeah but if you don’t acknowledge the good things what is the point of doing them. I suppose if you take anything from this suggestion wrapped in an update, it’s to do stuff.

Suggestions for stuff to do: Listen to the HugLife Podcast (or shop on Amazon through the banner on  that page), like my fan page, add yourself to the e-mail list that I will use less than once a month, stop reading this so you can tell a friend about it. You do you, girl.

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